15. in the company of someone I had always trusted – she was my best friend. never gave the idea a second thought, she had never put me in harms way before, it was supposed to be a party. an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as we walked through the door and there were only two men there. yes, men – in their early twenties. ‘maybe we are early’, I thought. so I took a seat on the futon couch and talked to the other guy that was their while she sat on the bed with her ‘friend’. the studio apartment was bigger than I had seen in the movies, she did not seem to mind the lack of privacy as she took her clothes off piece by piece.
with the flip of a switch, I’m surrounded by darkness – with the exception of the dim light from the television in the center of the apartment. now the other guy is lowering the futon into a bed, gently suggesting I get comfortable. behind me, moans and kisses echo across the studio apartment that seems to be growing smaller by the second. and then I feel his hand in mine, he smiles a sweet smile but I can not shake the unease I continue to feel. something is not right. still, I leave my hand in his, it is just a hand after all. until it’s not.
now he’s putting my hand down his basketball shorts, and whispering in my ear to ‘go ahead’. I have never done this before, I have no idea what he wants me to do or how it should be done. on top of that, he is not the person I want to learn how to do this with. my body is frozen as he continues to guide my hand, wrapping my fingers around a part of him I never wanted to know. as he slowly moves my hand up and down I can feel my body growing hot. hot with shame because I can not believe I am in this position. hot with anger because now I know why she was so adamant I come with her – she needed a friend to keep his friend company. I was being used for her benefit, she did not care that I was not ready for this kind of experience. as my mind raced for a way out without causing a scene, I excused myself to the bathroom and with his back turned and the other two beneath the covers, I slid out of the front door – unnoticed until it had already closed behind me.
2 a.m. terrified and alone in a place that was only vaguely familiar to me. I could not call my mother, she would ask why I wasn’t where I said I would be. my grandmother would judge and if I went to another friend’s house there would be questions about how I got there. I can see my breath in front me as I stared at the night sky, taking in its beauty in the midst of this dark night. body still warm with shame and anger, that by the time the cold reached my core it was 3 a.m. and I heard the door close behind me as she asked if I was okay as we climbed into the car and headed back to her house.
never again. next time it will be my choice.