entry #2

dear depression today,

today is one I go into with bittersweet emotions.

on one hand, I dropped the ball on an assignment yesterday for school and can’t help but feel disappointed and upset that I will no longer hold a perfect grade going into my fourth week of classes. I have been doing so well keeping up with my assignments, but for reasons unknown I felt sluggish and simply uninterested in finishing the reading so that I could complete the discussion. I do have an opportunity to make up the assignment for partial credit, so that’s on my to-do list for today so that I can maintain the highest grade possible. after two kids and a long break due to life and mental health, I’m determined to finish this semester even better than the last. I want to do this, not only for myself, but for the little humans I want to provide a better life. which leads me to the other hand ..

I am so extremely proud of myself, and I don’t say that as much as I should. my kid’s father left months after our daughter was born .. and since then I have been doing this alone. don’t get me wrong, there have been times over the last two and a half years where I seriously question if I am capable of raising these beautiful little humans by myself. I have my grandmother here, who helps out while I attend classes and go to work and she’s truly a godsend. helping out with the cooking and housework and taking care of my little humans when I need a night to myself. but for the most part it’s just me — and it is honestly mentally and physically exhausting at times. my little humans are so full of life; they’re creative and curious and love to explore their capabilities. my son loves to draw comics and build clay models of his favorite tv characters – so I spend a lot of time listening to stories or watching demonstrations as he acts out a skit he’s come up with. he can memorize the lines of a show or a movie after just one sitting, so I often here him reciting said lines while he showers, cooks, uses the bathroom, or while he is creating. at this point, I know the play by play of episodes of shows I’ve never seen before because of him. his mind is so beautiful. my daughter loves to paint and draw and, despite the painting kit I bought her for Christmas, she is currently obsessed with coloring my doors. she’s probably the cleanest toddler I know, and that’s perfect – except ‘washing my hands’ turns into the water running for 10 minutes while she makes bubbles in the sink #sendhelp. we are also in the middle of our potty training journey, and she will take every single one of her babies to the potty, but refuses to use it herself. not only are they amazing by themselves, but they’re even better together; their love is so pure and infectious – it reminds of how I was with my own brother. my son will watch the ‘baby shows’ with her and help her understand what she’s seeing and hearing so that she grasps the lessons. but, man oh man do they get loud when they play together. belting cocomelon and paw patrol at the top of their lungs, running up and down the stairs as they play hide and seek, and the notorious screams of my daughter saying “don’t touch me” because she’s decided to sit on HIS bed instead of her own but doesn’t want to be bothered. before her, I have never known a toddler who asserts themselves into someone else’s space so much just to ask for their own! even as I’m typing this, she’s sleeping next to me with her feet on my legs. I can just hear her now when she wakes up ‘heeeyy, don’t touch my feet’ with a sly smile on her face.

I love the little humans though, with everything in me. they are kind and happy and smart and just full of the life I remember having when I was younger. I love their energy, and their ability to make even my toughest days a little bit better. my son makes me hot tea and ketchup and peanut butter sandwiches to lift my spirits (a sandwich that I politely declined because eww!) and my daughter snuggles my head while singing the lullaby from Frozen 2 on the days I’m feeling down. they are amazing, and I am a huge part of that. I am proud of that, that despite how hard it is sometimes and how I feel like I’m failing them – they are still these awesome little humans that are capable of the greatest things.

sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve them, but I will keep making myself better for them, because that’s what they deserve.

Author: eclecticallylyn

I have had a million and one stories to tell, but was quieted by my fear. Time to break my silence.

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