entry #17

dear depression diary,

this entry is long overdue.

admittedly, I think I’ve started three or four ‘entry #17′ and never finished or posted a single one. this summer was a difficult one, filled with so many setbacks and heartbreaks that it was hard to talk about. shit, I’m still coping from my losses and haven’t allowed myself to fully grieve a single thing that’s happened to me. in truth, I don’t think I deserve it… I have this mentality that my little humans should never see me upset or sad for two long. they feed off my energy and that’s not what a feeling I want them taking in for too long. not right now… they’re both so young.

I mentioned in an entry before this that I lost my great- aunt in April. it was tough and I still haven’t let myself accept the fact that she’s gone. I fell into a depressive state and suffered tremendously in school – luckily, I had professors that were understanding and I was able to finish the semester with two B+ and one C+ – not the best, but certainly not failing. my grandmother moved back home to take care of my great grandmother after the passing of her sister, so I no longer had child care. I quit my job, which honestly would’ve happened either way because they were a bunch of dicks who gave me shit about taking off to go to the funeral, and starting doing doordash. even though the income transition was a little rough at first, there are two things that I have learned: 1. anything is possible when you work at it and 2. I’m tired of doing things that I don’t love.

I really love spending my work hours with my little humans! now when I walk out the door, I don’t have to turn back and ask them to stop crying because I’m coming back; they’re walking out the door right behind me and I love it. we get to ride around together, jamming and singing and laughing and talking and I never have to miss anything else.

I was on a high for a few weeks, despite missing my cousin’s graduation and my sister’s gender reveal, things were looking really good. my relationship was stronger than ever, my family had enjoyed the summer so far and I got to spend a week with my cousin to make up for missing her graduation – and then we got hit with the biggest loss of all…

on July 30th my great grandmother – who would have been 100 on September 21, passed on to the next life. my entire world was shattered. this amazing woman lived to see 4 generations of her family born into this world. my daughter is her great great grand ❤ she left a legacy and her presence will forever be cherished and missed in this world. it was hard watching her children mourn her, listening to my children mourn her, and feeling like I couldn’t grieve the way I needed to. there were too many people that needed me to be strong, that STILL need me to be strong. we were planning a 100th birthday party for her, and I was the one that had to return all the decorations and favors we’d bought so far. the whole time my little humans kept saying ‘Granny is in the sky’ ‘I can’t believe Granny is gone’… it took so much strength not to breakdown in the store that day.

as I’m nearing the start of my last year of school, and my little humans prepare for 4th grade and headstart, I’m realizing that I need to allow myself to grieve. I have to, if I don’t, I don’t know if I’ll survive this year. her birthday is in less than 30 days and I know that’s when it will really hit me. at that point, if I haven’t allowed myself to fully accept what’s happened to me over the last few months, I’ll have no choice but to face it then.

if we’re friends on twitter, facebook or instagram – please check on me. I may not always respond in a timely manner but I definitely see them all. I’m going to need some extra light and love as I step into this academic year, and this next part of my life in general.

I don’t know if I have a lesson of the day today … if there’s anything you take from this, it should be to ask for help when you need it, hell even before you need it; that is one of the biggest shows of strength.

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