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entry #19

scroll down for one of my #onrepeat songs

no surprise here, I’m self- sabotaging again…

let me just start by saying that this is only the second healthy romantic relationship I’ve had in the fourteen years since I started dating and more than half of the time I feel like it’s too good to be true. I am 100% self aware of my bad relationship habits, and I’m prone to try to fuck shit up before someone has a chance to either hurt me or leave me. when you (stupidly) spend almost an entire decade in an emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship it is hard to break out of those habits. when I finally left, I promised myself I’d never allow anyone else to put me through those things again or make me feel that low again.

but HE is not like the rest of them. even my other healthy relationship was different because he didn’t want kids or marriage.

so why am I so resistant? like I said, I’m self aware, and yet I can’t stop myself from trying to fuck this up. once upon a time I thought it was because I wanted him to prove he was here for ME, but he’s done that time and time again. he treats my kiddos like they’re his own, takes me home every time he goes so I can meet/see his family, moved in with me and a million little things in between to let me know he’s here and in it. what I love most about him is that he calls me out on it every single time. I told him early on about my tendency to self sabotage, so when I present said behavior he challenges me to verbalize and not internalize. we talk about my thought processes and the feelings that led me to whatever method of self sabotage I’ve chosen and, before I know it, he’s talked me off the metaphorical ledge.

I am a work in progress. and I am so fucking lucky to have someone who’s working with me to help me better. so that we can be better.

lesson of the day: instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, give people the chance to prove you wrong ❤

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