dear depression diary,
one thing I have learned over the last couple of years is that I am worthy.
once upon a time, there was someone in my life who would constantly tell me that no one else was ever going to “put up with me” the way he did, that no one would ever “love me” the way he did… and before long his voice became the one inside my head. even after I ended things with him, his words stuck with me. I believed that I was too hard to love, and settled into situations that did not fulfill me in any way. everytime I was with someone new, I would allow them to treat me any way they wanted because I believed I would never find anything better. I was caught in the most vicious cycle of settling and self sabotaging that I was destined to either be in abusive relationships or alone for the rest of my life.
do not allow anyone else to define who are!
just because you may be hard to love, does not mean you are not worthy of it. too many times I allowed others to dictate the way I felt about myself, thus altering the way I expected people to feel about me. if I wasn’t temporary to them, they were temporary to me; if I was keeping people at a distance then I was submissive and obedient for fear of losing them. I was unaware that I was conditioned to feel these behaviors because of the mental, emotional and (sometimes) physical trauma I had endured. of course, not everything is meant to last forever, but don’t allow yourself to become a situational commodity for anyone.
I had to take some time to get down to the root of my pain and work my way back up. I healed and repaired myself by talking about my traumas and being honest with my loved ones so that they understood why I was the way I was and more importantly, who I was working to become. I’m still healing, but the progress that I have made has put me in a position to see clearly what it is I do and do not deserve.
lesson of the day: you are worthy, period. as time goes by, you’ll find your tribe. your forever friends. your soulmates. until then, keep working, repairing and healing. true love, in all its shapes and forms, will find you ❤