dear depression diary,

I am so utterly broken.

I’m tired of people dying around me. I’m tired of having to explain those deaths to my kids. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted, to the point that I am numb. when I found out about my grandfather, I couldn’t cry.

not a single fucking tear.

I could literally feel my heart break as I listened to my dad struggle through tears to say the words. as I listened to the disappointment and regret he felt for not being there with his dad in his final moments. it was like a wrecking ball was slamming into my chest over and over and over again. and still–not one tear.

it’s no secret that I don’t handle grief well, I spent most of last night throwing back shots of tequila. I don’t know… after I struggled to open myself up and start the grieving process for my Granny, I just don’t believe I have anything left in me. I’m so close to my breaking point…

it’s becoming harder and harder to go on.

lesson of the day: don’t keep negative thoughts bottled up inside. do whatever you need to do to get them out of your head and begin to process them: journal, blog, talk to family or a friend–just don’t keep it inside. & remember, if no one else has said it to do, I love you.