entry #23

dear depression diary,

first of all, I hope everyone who celebrated thanksgiving enjoyed the holiday. I can honestly say some QT with my family was healing in so many ways.

I think I’m back, definitely doing better.

the well wishes from you all meant so much to me, it’s been a rough year, but I am so lucky and grateful to have so many of you that have been here through it all. community is important, and you all are the G.O.A.T, for real. I love you all.

for a while, I was beating myself up about the fact that I wasn’t able to make it to the funeral (it was on a weekday and a very long drive to and from that would’ve cost big A too many days out of school) and be with my family during our tough time. so much so, that I basically ignored my dad and sister out of fear that they would be angry with me for not being there in our time grief- so I shut everyone out.

a few days after the funeral he called me and, even though I hesitated, I decided it was time to face whatever might transpire. we talked and cried and laughed more than I thought we would. he told me about all the stories family and friends shared about my grandfather, and told me not to be upset because my kid’s matter just as much, and that everyone understood my not being able to be there. they sent light and love and support during a time when we are honestly hurting and coping the best we can. we talked about how my depression has kicked into high gear because of all the losses I’ve taken over the last few months, and then he said something to me that I have been doing my best to keep at the forefront of my mind as the days go by:

“do what you can do, and then keep going”

sometimes shit just happens, things that are 100% out of our control. while we struggle through the steps of grief and coping, it’s important to remember that there is nothing we can do that will change the outcome. there’s no turning back the hands of time and bringing our loved ones back; but what we can do, what we can control, is how we move forward. my grandfather was a great man; he fought wars and raised 12 amazing human beings all while maintaining the healthiest marriage I’ve ever seen and running a farm. he was kind and caring and honest, and going forward I want to be someone who strives to be just as good as him.

that’s all I can do.

lesson of the day: it is so much easier to succumb to anger and sadness than it is to stand up against. don’t lose yourself to negativity. take care of yourself, do what you must to heal and then, keep going.

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