dating with depression

some of the toughest moments of my life were those where I was struggling to feel good about myself as a person and as a parent and being the only person trying to set healthy precedence for family. from the time big A was born, I had to fight tooth and nail most days to get his dad to get up and do things with us. he was a smoker and I was not, he spent most of his money on weed and I was stuck taking care of all the bills. even when we were living together, he didn’t show up for our son’s birthdays – he was either working or smoking and playing video games with his friends. why I continued to deal with that for nine years is something I question most days but, on the other hand, if it had happened any other way then who knows if my SO and I still would have crossed paths.

it was so easy to fall into depressive states because I felt like I was doing it all. I blindly put my faith in someone who wasn’t ready to take on the role of dad and eventually I developed a heightened sense of independence. to the point that it was hard for me to trust anyone to be able to take care of us the way I’d learned to take care of us. so, naturally, when I met my SO and he immediately took on the role of caretaker, I didn’t believe he would ever be able to do the things I was used to doing. the first time I realized he might be the person my little humans and I had been missing in our life was when big A started turning to him in moments of distress. it was obvious he enjoyed having a man to look up to and talk to, so even though it hurt my feelings just a little, I was glad he had someone else he felt he could rely on the same way he felt with me. letting go of the reins was no easy task, because of my past I would self-sabotage and openly doubt his ability to be a guardian to the kiddos.

I am so blessed to say he never gave up, instead, he worked that much harder to show me he was different than anyone I’d ever been with before. he rooted for the little humans, sometimes harder than I did myself. he stood up for them before I had the chance to when the moment arose. he woke up earlier than he was used to and helped get ready for school. he sat down and taught the little humans things that I know will stay with them and shape them into better people. our mutual days off are consumed with fun and laughter and movie marathons. he lays with little A until she falls asleep and reads bedtime stories before tucking them.

in summation, he does the one thing everyone before him failed to do: he spoils them with time.

admittedly, I still have my moments where I feel like I’m the only one carrying our weights and our burdens. it’s been a hard habit to break but I’m working on it. I can also say that most days I am reassured I have a partner to share the load, someone who is doing it with me – and that has given me space and time to heal.

one thing is for certain; even on the days where I cannot see it, I am never doing it alone.

read the first installment of dating with depression

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Shanna says:

    The best part of the post is that you found your support. Someone who supports you and your family. It speaks volumes of him that he did not give up. Hopefully it also assures you that you are worthy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much 🧡 he’s done all of that & so much more! honestly, though, I’m more happy for my kiddos than anything else. they have the kind of family they’ve always wanted with someone who prioritizes them and loves them so fiercely.


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