this one is going to be fully transparent because it’s so important to claim and face our mental health issues. I really hate that word, issues, as if it’s a problem. does it feel like one on some days, absolutely, but it’s not an ‘issue’, it’s a part of me that simply needs a little extra TLC. and for that reason, among others, it took a long time to find someone who had the strength, courage, and patience for all of me – not just the parts that are easy to handle.
through high school and my first couple of years of college, my relationships were really shitty for the most part. I had one genuinely good person care for my heart over those 6 years and I ended it because of distance and selfishness.
I spent 12 years denying my depression, constantly convincing myself that my fluctuating feelings were the cause of those around me. I didn’t want to face my depression or talk about my triggers. I pushed people away with no explanation; if you’re one of those people- I am so sorry.
my relationships through high school were toxic, to say the least, up until my senior year when I dated my first love. not only did he help me through the toughest time of my life (up to that point), but he was a shining example of what a relationship should be. he was smart, kind, thoughtful, and went above and beyond for me even when it went against the things he wasn’t particularly fond of.
**for my 17th birthday, despite how much he hated twilight, he made me a custom copy of New Moon! the title menu had clips from the movie intertwined with pictures of us – he really was the sweetest**
looking back, I want to fight myself for allowing toxicity to overrun my life for almost a decade. my high school sweetheart had taken care of the most broken pieces of me and tried his best to tend and heal those wounds-I honestly should have known better. but young 20 year old me craved attention and fake love that wore so many masks, I accepted the way I was treated because I was convinced I wouldn’t find anything better. “I’m not a bad guy, it could be a lot worse for you, you know” was something I heard constantly. who knows, maybe there is a reason it took so long for me to learn my value and my worth and realize I was better off alone than with someone who lacked the capacity to be the person I deserved.
allowing myself the time to get to the root of my pain, my distrust, and my fear paved the way for my journey going forward. ever since I started dating, I always felt like I had to be with someone, that I wasn’t anyone if there wasn’t another person by myself. when I learned to be my own soulmate and love myself in a way no one could, that is when I attracted someone who made it all worthwhile.
someone with a vision for their future and the kind of people they wanted to take with them. someone who valued family and mental wealth over everything. someone who would work with me to accomplish my goals, and who had my unwavering support as they accomplished theirs. ten years in between the love that helped set the foundation and the love that sits in the penthouse of my heart. even if things don’t work out in the long run, this man has helped fix every shattered glass and cracked wall of my love life. with the love I have for myself and the love this man has shown me, I will never fall victim to toxicity again.