lifesaver

**TRIGGER WARNING: content discusses suicide/suicidal thoughts**

you’ll never know it, but you saved me.

they say time heals all wounds, but fifteen year old me didn’t understand what that truly meant. all my life, there had been this person who encouraged my weird, taught me that the right man will see my brains as beauty, supported my creativity and protected me like no other. the world felt… wrong, without him in it – and I felt lost and invisible. my brother was an advocate for me, 24/7, and never let me forget that I was worthy and deserving. selfish as it may sound, I longed to feel that way again. I was in indescribable pain and there was only one solution: I needed to die so that I could be with him again.

I spent a lot of time deciding how I would end it all. razor to the wrist. overdose on pills. our high school was a cesspool of drug dealers, it would have been so easy to get my hands on something that would do the job. in the end, that’s all that really mattered – getting the job done. I should have thought about it at the time, but it didn’t even cross my mind how it would make my mom feel to lose another child.

looking back, I am so grateful to you, not only for myself, but for her.

I bought a pack of razors and hid them in my room, waiting patiently for the right moment. honestly, it was harder than I thought it would be. between my parents and my brother, it was almost impossible to find a moment where I wouldn’t be interrupted.

call it fate, destiny, whatever name you chose – but I believe you saw me hurting, struggling, and secretly looking for a reason to live.

the reason was you ❤

as the days passed on, you found new ways to make me smile. make me laugh. make me feel, with your crude humor and sarcastic remarks. you didn’t treat me like I was broken, but you knew exactly how to put my pieces back together. you made the last few months of my sophomore year bearable, to the point that my suicidal thoughts had subsided, for the moment. so imagine how I felt on the last day of school when you popped the question:

can I have your number?

One Comment Add yours

  1. Thank you for exploring this — it was very moving and raw to read. Beautifully written.

    Liked by 1 person

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