dear depression diary,

yesterday was a rough one for me.

if I’m being honest, the last three months have been a slow decline back into my depression. I’m recognizing the signs my body and mind give me before the depression consumes me, and I’m trying my best to stay outside of it. but everyday, it gets a little harder to fight, and there’s not much more I can do about it except prepare the people around me for what’s coming. the birth of my son was rough, shoutout to all the c-section mamas who came out tougher than before, you are all rockstars in my book. my car has been in the shop for a month and a half waiting on transmission parts, and my baby boy’s homecoming has been pushed another month, just as we were preparing to welcome him home. my life is a fucking shit storm right now, but I really am trying my best to look on the bright side of things.

I have two amazing children who are healthy and safe, who mimic the carefree spirit I used to have, and it makes me so happy to know they are thriving despite everything happening around us. my daughter draws pictures of our family with a baby brother she’s only met once in the 74 days he’s been in this world, and she yell “I love you Peanut” every night because she believes he can hear her no matter how far away he is, and knows how much she loves him. my son look at pictures of him and says how beautiful and strong he is, and how he can’t wait to have him home. & my partner, who goes above and beyond for this family and steps in when I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to do so. he holds me when I randomly start to cry, and let’s me know it’s okay to just be however I am on any given day. he reminds how much he loves me, and that he’s here for me; for whatever, through whatever. he is a rock, that man, I admire his strength.

so I try to take a page out of their books — look on the bright side and focus on the good things happening in my life, because even though my little depressed heart and mind won’t focus on them, bright moments are still there. one of the things I take the most pride in is being able to feed him, even though he’s not here with me. breastfeeding was my favorite part of the journey with my daughter. when she was in the womb, we made a connection that no one else in this world will ever have, our bond is unique because we got eight and a half months to ourselves to just bond and learn one another, and when I breastfed, that connection only got stronger. I was really looking forward to building a similar connection with my baby boy. we only got six months together before he was hidden away in an incubator, getting all my milk through a feeding tube. at first, it broke my heart knowing I would have to wait to hold him and experience the beauty of breastfeeding with him. but at least I was still helping him heal and grow with my milk, and that gave me something to smile about. people think breastfeeding is reliant only on caloric intake, but your emotional and mental health play a part in it, too. so two days ago, when I was feeling really down, and my right boob just gave out, I knew exactly what was happening. and when it continued into yesterday, I began to spiral. the ONE thing I could do for my son, reduced by 50% in a matter of 48 hours. it broke me, y’all. I felt like a failure, and the depression wrapped it’s arms around me a little tighter, ready to completely enclose me and take over.

then last night, I got milk!

I don’t know if the universe knew that I needed a sign not give up, a reminder that ‘it’ s not over, till it’s over’ or I just really just needed to shut my mind completely off for a little while to reset. whatever the case may be, I took an hour nap and when it was time to pump again, the liquid gold was back to 100%. for now, I’m breathing a little easier and smiling a little more, trying my best to look on the bright side.

lesson of the day: when life gets to be overwhelming, it’s okay to take a step back and shut down for a little while. sometimes, it’s best to stop and reset then to keep pushing through when you don’t have the energy to do so.

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