another summer passed, another missed chance

junior year started and we went back to acting as if that summer didn’t happen. I was masking my depression a lot better, so much so that I was actually enjoying life again. I guess now is as good as time as any to mention my on-again, off-again boyfriend who’s only real relevance to my story is how he constantly cheated on me, and I continued to take him back. typical teenage girl, loving the ones that hurt us out in the open and keeping the ones who treat us right a secret. you weren’t giving me any signs that you wanted us to be anything more than .. whatever we were at that point. so I kept going back to him, forgiving him every time he betrayed me, because as shallow as it sounds, I liked being the girl who had the guy that everyone wanted. he was tall, handsome, went to a different school, and was the guy that lived in the basement of his parents — aka the hotspot for weekend drinking, smoking, and unsupervised shenanigans. I was somebody because he was somebody. I really wish I could fast-forward to the part where I realized he was nobody I needed.

cue the heartbreak

and then he cheated on me with my bestfriend – we ignored the space between the two words because that’s how close we said we were – nothing could come between us; except for him, apparently. that should have been the cherry on top of the most fucked up cake, a sure sign that I should be done with him and run to you — but I didn’t. instead, I called you to be my shoulder to cry on, and you being who you are, answered the call. you asked me to meet you at the park by the gym, and when I got there you greeted me with a smile. the second you started talking, I instantly forgot how heartbroken I was. in my mind, and my heart, I was back in my bedroom talking to you for hours. every conversation with you felt like that summer. we sat on the bridge and you pulled out your iPod, plugging in your headphones and handing me the left ear. you put yours in your right ear and scooted in close. It was the first time I’d been this close to you since that summer day at the pool, but every cell in my body remembered what you felt like. I welcomed the warmth of your skin against mine, letting it comfort me along with the music coming into my left ear. that was the day I found out you were a huge Jack Johnson fan. you listened to music made to heal the soul, and I was in desperate need of healing. I don’t think either of us knows exactly how long we sat on that park bridge, sharing a pair of headphones and a deafening romantic tension. with my head rested on your shoulder, we got lost in time, nothing existed outside of our little park bubble. it wasn’t until your mom called to ask where you were and to tell you dinner would be ready soon that we remembered there was a world going on around us while we were lost in our own. I missed you the moment you left, and the walk back was full of thoughts of you. wishing I had said more, done more, made it clear how much you meant to me. instead, the sun set on another day of us playing this twisted game of push and pull. eventually, I went back to my ex – he was the devil I knew. if only I’d seen sooner you weren’t a devil at all.

oh, how we push and pull.

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