entry #14

dear depression diary,

I’ve been on a such a high the last few days.

the blog is doing so well! this week, we broke two records and I am completely giddy. I finally reached 100 followers and even got my first email subscribe. for those of you following the blog, thank you so much for your support. your comments are always so kind and even though I write for me (to get thoughts and emotions out of my head and off my heart), this blog would be nothing without you. we also surpassed our previous daily view record and finished the day with 106 views!

I have also made the decision to add a section to the mental health portion of the blog and delve into the autistic journeys of my family (my nine year old son was diagnosed just before his 6th birthday) and other families who want to share the stories, knowledge, etcetera with the the world. I am so excited to begin this new journey and see where it takes us; the possibilities are countless.

in other news, I have made it to the halfway point of the semester with much better grades than what I had last semester during midterms and I am so extremely proud of myself. going back to school as a single, working mama has been challenging to say the least. last semester was so tough for me and I almost gave up without re-enrolling for spring semester. and then I remembered the life I want to give the little humans, and the people that I want them to grow up to be. I can’t expect them to continue trying if I don’t lead by example. so here I am, halfway through the spring semester, kicking ass and taking names. and the little humans are always in my corner, ‘helping’ me with homework and bringing me snacks (aka brain food). they are so amazing; I could not do this without them.

for all my server friends who have taken a loss due to capacity limits, I hope wherever you are is experiencing decreases in positive tests/deaths and is beginning the transition back to ‘normalcy’. where I live, we are back at 100% in restaurants so I’ve been able to bring home almost triple the money I was making before without having to work double shifts.

the weather is getting warmer and spirits are high!

if this has been a lower week for you, I’m sending all the good vibes and blessings your way. even though no two peoples struggles are the same, it does not negate the fact that everyone is struggling in their own way.

again, thank you all for being a part of this experience with me!

lesson of the day: no feat is too small! be proud of your successes, no matter how big or small. there is always someone rooting for you!

rest, assured.

your love language may be acts of service, but you are a man of words
how is it that I forgot to love you the way I love to be loved?
the way that you love me

you know deceit and betrayal as well as I do
maybe even on a deeper level 
I should have cared better for your heart, my apologies

there should have been no room for doubt
you are the greatest love I've ever known
let me remind you why

your hugs are still the safest I've felt with anyone
and that is how I will always feel 
and when you kiss me 

lips. cheek. nose. forehead. even from across the room
in those moments, I am still consumed with happiness 
so much so that even if they were the last I had with you

I would still be happy to have had them at all. 

these reasons, these feelings .. they happened as they should
we happened, just as we should
you were worth the wait. 

everything that you are
and have the potential to be
you are the best friend I never knew I needed

there should have been no room for doubt
you are the greatest love I've ever known
I will never let you forget the reasons why

entry #12

dear depression diary,

nothing exciting to report, I just came here to say I have the most amazing (not) boyfriend.

so it’s getting close to nine o’clock here and I’ve already started three posts that I just can’t finish. not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I just could not get my thoughts together. so we’re sitting here, watching the sinner and I say out loud “ugh, I want to write today but I just can’t get a full post out”. and he says, “why don’t you write about how you’ve been treating me like shit today” as he laughs. and then I realize, this is exactly what I want to write about. ** not the treating him like shit part, because we actually had an amazing day, I just like to tease him a little.

I am in the happiest relationship I’ve been in since high school, I honestly can’t get enough of him.

I have a man who supports me through and through, but also calls me out on my bullshit. someone who challenges me, when I’m wrong and to be better. my triumphs are his triumphs and his are mine. when I feel like I’m failing he is the one who reminds me how amazing I am and how much I have done right. he encourages me to keep going and to try again even when I don’t think I have the strength left in me. even right now, as I’m sitting here experiencing writer’s block; he throws out ideas that spark an entire blog post. he fills my days with so much happiness and laughter that some days I forget I even suffer from depression/ depressive states. and what’s even better, is that on the days when my depression does hit, he’s right there – holding me, talking to me, letting me cry, cooking me food -making sure I know that I am never doing this alone. even when we disagree and argue, I know that I am loved and that we are still okay. we talk like adults, there’s no yelling or cussing or physicalities .. everything with him is just healthy and comfortable and real. at the end of the day, I know I have someone that will always do things with me, we will always be in each other’s corner.

even though I don’t need him, I want him and everything he is .. he only makes me better.

lesson of the day: enjoy the little things like playful banter that can turn into an entire story, because every moment is a story waiting to be told.

she reigns supreme.

strength, courage and love embodied

she doesn’t know it, but I want to be just like her

she did her best, and raised us right, even when we made it hard

went back to school and holds a degree she can use to change the world

sometimes she needs reminding just how much she’s capable of

that she’s a creator, a maker of so many beautiful things

including us

her daughters. her life. her legacies.

aside from the little humans, she’s the one I want to make proud

she is my best friend

even though she told me all my life I am not one of your little friends

I call her for anything, everything and nothing

I’m admittedly a nuisance, but she still answers the call

her love is tough and hard, but it is always with my best interests at heart

when I tell her I’m grown and act like I have it all figured out

she’s there when I realize I still have so much to learn

honestly

I should listen to her more than I do

and until she reads this, she’ll never know how much her words stay with me

when I’m in peril or distress I think back to her advice, her wisdom, her love

she is with me, even when she thinks she’s not

even when she thinks I haven’t heard a word she’s said

Pinocchio had Jiminy Cricket

and I have

mom

entry #7

dear depression diary,

I am lucky.

and in the same breath, I feel the need to say, I am worthy. for so long, I have considered my baggage a burden. one so heavy, that I felt like I didn’t deserve to share that load with any else. for once in my life, I am happy to be wrong.

I have someone who comes with his own baggage. but we came together and found some luggage that carries both our loads in one. his is mine and mine is his; I have a partner. and I swear, y’all, that’s all I have ever wanted. someone who sees me for who I am and doesn’t try to change me. someone who doesn’t try to tell me who I am or, more importantly, who I am not. someone who has more patience with the little humans than I do on most days (I love them to death, but they are a handful. as I type this, both little humans are yelling “MOM!” in each ear #sendhelp – one wants gummies and the other wants pudding for dessert).

as much as I tease him about being my not boyfriend (we are taking things slow because this is our first relationship in a few years), he is still here; committed and present. when he’s away from me and the little humans, he calls us via Duo to check in. he asks about school activities, and homework, and the fun things they did that day. he is a writer, just like me, and my favorite nights are when we spend hours on the phone proofing our WIPs and working on other materials. a close second are the nights we spend together: him on one side of the bed reading books on the art of comics and me on the other side reading classic lit or blogging. he’s dorkier than I am, and despite the bumps we’ve hit in the road, I am certain that I won’t find anyone else like him. honestly, I wouldn’t want to.

if you had asked me 8 months ago if I thought I deserved this kind of happiness, I would have told you “it’s okay, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. as long as I have the little humans, I’m okay with that”. my friend’s would call me pessimistic and tell me that it was that negative attitude that was stopping me from finding someone special.

again, for once, I’m glad someone else was right.

lesson of the day: don’t succumb to negativity. when you surround yourself with it, that’s all you will ever know. be open to the possibilities, they are truly endless.

entry #6

dear depression diary,

sorry for my absence. I was honestly enjoying myself, uninterrupted.

this past weekend, one of my best friends and her (but really our, lol) son came to visit me and the little humans. before their arrival, I was wondering how I would get through the weekend with THREE little humans in my house. my two are a handful by themselves! needless to say, I was so happy to have them both here. the little humans danced their butts off the first night and taught all of us some new dance moves. my (not) boyfriend spent the weekend with us and served as the punching bag for three and a half days, he’s such a good sport.

we took the little humans on the train and spent most our first afternoon together in Washington D.C. we toured some of the capitol buildings and then made our way to Good Stuff Eatery for a late lunch. when the little humans grew tired of the cold (and of us dragging them around the city), we headed home for a second dance party followed by bedtime stories. once the little humans were asleep, we had an adult movie night with some vino and laughs. The next 48 hours was spent with a gourmet brunch at home, a road trip to VA, hibachi and sushi with the little humans (they loved the fire and the water bottle that looked like a baby peeing on them), early morning cuddles, and one last lunch before I dropped her off at the airport.

I was so sad to see them go.

but we have made plans for the summer and I cannot wait to be reunited with them again. they are my forever family, and I love them always.

lesson of the day: enjoy the all the moments, and the people you get to share them with. family isn’t always blood, but it is forever.

timeless.

there are people that come into our lives for a moment. to teach us a lesson or to show us what we do/ (but most oftentimes) do not need to continue on our journey of growth.

and then there are those friendships that are timeless.

to say that I love her is an understatement. she puts her whole heart into people, even when they don’t deserve it. sometimes, I don’t even think I do. I can’t say that there haven’t been times when I was unfair to her, and I will always continue doing what I have to do to make up for those slights. but one thing I can say about her and I is that when we need one another, we are always there.

life for her hasn’t been easy. there were people who plotted her failure and found joy in her misfortunes. every time she takes a few steps forward, life finds a way of knocking her back again. but she doesn’t let that stop her. sure, there are times when she gets discouraged and contemplates giving up, but when it comes down to it — she is resilient. and that trait alone makes her admirable.

she loves my children like her own, and that says a lot, because she was never the mother-type. for that reason alone, I am proud of her. when she got pregnant with my godchild, I was scared she wouldn’t keep him. but who was I to tell her what to do with her body, it was her choice. the day she gave birth to him, I couldn’t have been happier. not because of the choice she made, but because I knew despite everything, she would raise an amazing little human. she hasn’t let me down yet. he is smart and kind and loves just as hard as she does. he calls my children his brother and sister and enjoys their company. and she has grown so much in the process, she amazes me more often than not.

I don’t know if there is anyone else I’d rather go through my motherhood journey with. she just gets me. when my kids drive me insane and just prove to be little assholes, she gets it. when they overcome an obstacle and I am the first person they want to share the news with, she gets it. when our kids attitudes are worse than our own, we talk and conclude that they are exactly like us. and honestly, I wouldn’t change anything about that dynamic.

over the last five years, we have irritated one another beyond words, held each other in our weakest moments, found the words to stand up to the bullies that made the other feel small and combined our strength to keep us both going.

at one point, she could’ve become a momentary person. but we found our way back to each other and haven’t strayed since. she is forever. she is everlasting. she is …

timeless.

pov.

admiration like that of the first rays of sun as they shine over the horizon

tiger stripes and cellulite cover the parts I long to hide

yet your love is unwavering

no layers of makeup or a hot mom bod

a wardrobe of mostly sweatpants and baggy tees

yet eyes are set on me as if I were a flower in bloom

the catepillar

wriggling her way out of the caccoon

of self-doubt and self-hate and self-blame

all the damning traits I allowed myself to fall victim to

still you stay

waiting and patient

pushing me to think better, to be better

to speak positivity into my life

and to see myself as you do

wild and fierce and beautifully molded

into the person I am meant to be

and still becoming


photo cred: IG @slowclapking (CAS)

butterfly

her, she shone with a light that radiated the darkest night my favorite moment was the night we met she shook my breasts, and not my hand; how could I forget

when I would wear my flower crown headbands around her she would tell me ‘you look like a snapchat filter’ her laugh was infectious, as was her smile so it was impossible to tell that all the while

she suffered from a sadness no one could have known in silence, she fought her fight alone

so when she left us, it broke my heart

even though it hurt to see her go I find happiness because I know there’s another guardian in the sky she was always meant to fly

entry #1

dear depression diary,

today is a good day.

yesterday was the anniversary of my brother’s murder, the event that triggered my depression. despite how much I miss his presence, I managed to get through the day okay. I know I owe that strength not only to myself for being able to accept my struggle, but also to the family and friends that support me daily — especially my mom. for 12.5 years I kept my mental state from her because I know thinking about that day is so much harder for her than it is for me. I did not want to be the reason her day was ruined, I didn’t want to be a downer for her. but after we talked and I explained why I kept her in the dark for so long, I realized that even though tears were shed, it was comforting to talk to someone who remembers him exactly the way I do. she wanted to be that person that talked me through my rough days; my ear, my shoulder, my rock. so we spent an hour talking, reliving memories and laughing through tears — she is honestly so amazing.

lesson for today: sometimes, it’s the most unlikely individuals that help you find the light in your darkest moments (thanks mom)