lingerie.

Lingerie

the silky floral-patterned cloth you rip off of me

                then you let your fingers linger

 like the smell of your cologne

                fresh out of the shower

down on me like the rain during spring

                when the flowers blossom

into this person that comes alive

                whenever I’m with you

rest, assured.

your love language may be acts of service, but you are a man of words
how is it that I forgot to love you the way I love to be loved?
the way that you love me

you know deceit and betrayal as well as I do
maybe even on a deeper level 
I should have cared better for your heart, my apologies

there should have been no room for doubt
you are the greatest love I've ever known
let me remind you why

your hugs are still the safest I've felt with anyone
and that is how I will always feel 
and when you kiss me 

lips. cheek. nose. forehead. even from across the room
in those moments, I am still consumed with happiness 
so much so that even if they were the last I had with you

I would still be happy to have had them at all. 

these reasons, these feelings .. they happened as they should
we happened, just as we should
you were worth the wait. 

everything that you are
and have the potential to be
you are the best friend I never knew I needed

there should have been no room for doubt
you are the greatest love I've ever known
I will never let you forget the reasons why

weigh station

the day we met

we were just a boy and a girl
stranded at a weigh station
with baggage heavier than either of us could have known

we were just two people with weary hearts
low expectations, but hopeful all the same
for something better than we’d known before

we were so different but still the same
crippled trust from past relationships and the pain they caused
defenses built high behind the barricades

201 days later

we are just a boy and a girl
learning to open up and love again
figuring out how to be in it, without being dependent

we are just two people falling
in love with who we are together
and all the growth we’ve made thus far

we are so different but still the same
lacking communication and understanding in the most trying times
stubborn and stuck in our old ways

and still

we are just a boy and a girl
chipping away at each other’s walls
knocking down the barricades

we are still two people growing
by ourselves and as a unit
because we know who we want to be

we are so different but still the same
you and me
the beginning and the end at the weigh station

entry #12

dear depression diary,

nothing exciting to report, I just came here to say I have the most amazing (not) boyfriend.

so it’s getting close to nine o’clock here and I’ve already started three posts that I just can’t finish. not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I just could not get my thoughts together. so we’re sitting here, watching the sinner and I say out loud “ugh, I want to write today but I just can’t get a full post out”. and he says, “why don’t you write about how you’ve been treating me like shit today” as he laughs. and then I realize, this is exactly what I want to write about. ** not the treating him like shit part, because we actually had an amazing day, I just like to tease him a little.

I am in the happiest relationship I’ve been in since high school, I honestly can’t get enough of him.

I have a man who supports me through and through, but also calls me out on my bullshit. someone who challenges me, when I’m wrong and to be better. my triumphs are his triumphs and his are mine. when I feel like I’m failing he is the one who reminds me how amazing I am and how much I have done right. he encourages me to keep going and to try again even when I don’t think I have the strength left in me. even right now, as I’m sitting here experiencing writer’s block; he throws out ideas that spark an entire blog post. he fills my days with so much happiness and laughter that some days I forget I even suffer from depression/ depressive states. and what’s even better, is that on the days when my depression does hit, he’s right there – holding me, talking to me, letting me cry, cooking me food -making sure I know that I am never doing this alone. even when we disagree and argue, I know that I am loved and that we are still okay. we talk like adults, there’s no yelling or cussing or physicalities .. everything with him is just healthy and comfortable and real. at the end of the day, I know I have someone that will always do things with me, we will always be in each other’s corner.

even though I don’t need him, I want him and everything he is .. he only makes me better.

lesson of the day: enjoy the little things like playful banter that can turn into an entire story, because every moment is a story waiting to be told.

valentine’s voicemail

but I do love you

and at the end of the day

honestly

honestly, honestly, honestly

by the number of times I just said honestly

you honestly should know

I mean it

the discovery.

whirlwind passion that knocked me off my feet

just to fall into the colorful floral garden that is your mind

your emotions as intricate as a maze

I didn’t mind getting lost in, as long as I got to know every piece of you

the walls around your heart are as high as the tsunami before it breaks

but even as the water rushes over me, all I feel is love

how is it possible for you to be the storm and the calm that follows?

and there’s so much more to you

guiding my way through the depths until I reach your blue ocean floor

you are beautifully disastrous

you are disastrously beautiful


photocred: my 2 year old daughter [ADG]

babylove.

with the blade in my wrist, I welcomed death with open arms. I was done with this life, lost on how to exist now that he was gone.

and then I thought of you.

you never told me “it’s okay. he’s in a better place now”. you didn’t push me to faith or rush me to grieve. you gave me your time and patience, but most importantly

you gave me you.

afternoons spent on playgrounds sharing headphones and laughs. nights spent in conversations that drowned out my pain. meeting me at my locker between every class and hall passes just to sneak into my lunch block to say hello.

you were my peace.

when the storm clouds approached and my tears rained down, you were the earth that absorbed the flood.

because of you, I threw away the blade and chose my life. you gave me a reason to keep going. more than that, you kept going with me.

you gave me shelter in the warmth of your heart. you gave me love in its truest forms. you gave me life anew

you gave me you


photo cred: IG @krunchymamacrafts

him.

his smile is as wide as mine, and I love it

his heart is bigger than I expected it to be

he is the light that shines bright enough for his darkness and mine.

he is everything I never knew I’d need.

he loves my little humans as if they were his own

without questions asked, he puts in the time

all of the little things add up, and my cup runs over

he is everything I want

with words of affirmation, he builds us up and makes us strong

his flaws are what draws me in, because I am not perfect either

feelings unwavering, even in the most difficult of times

he is everything I had to learn that I deserved.

he is mine.

the reasons.

the reasons are endless in theory. for every reason I say out loud there are a dozen more that go along. each more specific than the one before; the reasons are endless. my love, I adore all the little things. your actions and words all aligned, and for the first time in a long time I am sure that the intent is true and good. there is no doubt in my mind that my heart is safe, you are kind and handle it with care – the fragile little thing. more important than that is the way you are with the little humans. for so long its just been me and me alone, prioritizing and grinding and making a way for us on my own. so when I hear you use words like “us” “we” and “our”, it warms my heart something fierce. without a word uttered, you stepped right in; to hold a place the little humans had been missing for a while – its written in their smiles… and in yours. faces lit with happiness and love, you go above and beyond to make sure they never feel that missing piece again. you call them “the kids” and speak to them about the future, always remind them that everything you do is purely out of love and a want for them to be better than they are today and better than we were then. you are patient and consistent and present even when you’re not; and every time we are apart, you let us know that we are missed until we are together again.

the reasons are endless in theory. for every reason I say out loud there are a dozen more that go along.

our fights are more like heated discussions, you listen to me and I listen to you. even when it’s hard to do, we still manage and we talk things through. it has always been me, screaming until my throat was sore and my voice was as nonexistent as I felt. you are such a nice change of pace, I would not trade you for anything. when you cook, I clean and visa versa. you include the little humans so that they learn the basics at an early age. when you sense I am tired and a little overwhelmed, you are right there to relieve the pressure. you watch cocomelon until the little girl falls asleep in your arms and talk superheroes with the little boy to his heart’s content. your childlike manner is comforting and endearing because you get down on the little humans level just like I do, instead of trying to bring them up to yours. they say “I miss you” when you are away and “I love you” every morning and night that you are here. your response is effortless and sincere every time, they know it and so do I. you are everything we needed and more than we ever thought we would have.

the reasons are endless in theory. for every reason I say out loud there are a dozen more that go along. each more specific than the one before; the reasons are endless.

inebriated.

drunk minds speak sober thoughts; or so they say. your drunk mind is running a thousand miles an hour- I can hardly keep up. bits and pieces scattered through the mess as you try to gather your thoughts. you say you are no good for me, but all I hear is that no one has ever been good for you. you say you will hurt me, and all I hear is that you are tired of being hurt. you are not the people that were no good. you are not the people that hurt you. you want to be this hardened, unfeeling person- void of anything that puts you in another vulnerable situation. but all I hear is that you want to be loved.

so I will.

I will love you for your brilliant mind and the good you put into the world. I will cherish all the moments where you continue to choose me, because it proves you trust me to be different. I will read your words and everything in between those black and white lines, knowing you use them to cope- as I do with mine. when you are lost, I will find you. in darkness I’ll shine as bright as I can. drunk minds speak sober thoughts; and you say

fuck you, cause I love you.


photo cred: IG @slowclapking