first and foremost, I want to say thank you to everyone who stuck around over the last month while I did some much needed mental healing and soul searching. I can’t wait to tell you all about my time away and am so happy to see so many of you are still here — we even made a few new friends! I promise not to leave again for this long without warning.
so let’s dive right in!
let’s start with the hard stuff – I lost a family member very dear to me and because of circumstances out of my hands, I was unable to attend the funeral. you know how people say “she was the life of the party” … she really was. she was the best of everyone around her, she would tell you exactly like it is – her honesty is what I loved most about her. I will never forget the fall of my first semester in college; my boyfriend at the time came to visit for a few days. I wanted him to meet my great-grandmother (her mother) and she happened to be at the house when we stopped by. She was sitting outside as we walked past the gate into the driveway and of course I stopped to say hi and introduce him before heading into the house.
after the hello’s and small talk, she looks my boyfriend straight in the eyes and says:
I’m gonna tell you something right now. you gotta be careful around these bitches because they don’t give a damn if you’re in a relationship or not, they’ll still try to take you. you seem like a nice young man so I just just had to let you know. these bitches don’t care about shit, they’ll see you happy and still try to fuck up what you have. be careful.
y’all! in that moment I felt a level of mortification I’ve never felt before, but at the same time I was so amused that THIS was the first conversation my boyfriend had with anyone in my family aside from my parents. we had a good laugh about it after the fact, but that memory of her will always be the first one that pops into my head.
honest and real.
I miss her. I will always miss her. this world just won’t be the same without her.
rest in peace, auntie.
dear depression diary,
today is a good day.
yesterday was the anniversary of my brother’s murder, the event that triggered my depression. despite how much I miss his presence, I managed to get through the day okay. I know I owe that strength not only to myself for being able to accept my struggle, but also to the family and friends that support me daily — especially my mom. for 12.5 years I kept my mental state from her because I know thinking about that day is so much harder for her than it is for me. I did not want to be the reason her day was ruined, I didn’t want to be a downer for her. but after we talked and I explained why I kept her in the dark for so long, I realized that even though tears were shed, it was comforting to talk to someone who remembers him exactly the way I do. she wanted to be that person that talked me through my rough days; my ear, my shoulder, my rock. so we spent an hour talking, reliving memories and laughing through tears — she is honestly so amazing.
lesson for today: sometimes, it’s the most unlikely individuals that help you find the light in your darkest moments (thanks mom)
it’s us against us
childhood friends turned foes and the fueding begins
gone are the bonds we spent half our lives building
we’ve grown up and apart, nothing is the same
over girls, over money, over friends who aren’t friends
rumors spread and the fake news becomes a disease
blocking all sense and sensibility, everything has changed
one more dead
and a community dying
with the blade in my wrist, I welcomed death with open arms. I was done with this life, lost on how to exist now that he was gone.
and then I thought of you.
you never told me “it’s okay. he’s in a better place now”. you didn’t push me to faith or rush me to grieve. you gave me your time and patience, but most importantly
you gave me you.
afternoons spent on playgrounds sharing headphones and laughs. nights spent in conversations that drowned out my pain. meeting me at my locker between every class and hall passes just to sneak into my lunch block to say hello.
you were my peace.
when the storm clouds approached and my tears rained down, you were the earth that absorbed the flood.
because of you, I threw away the blade and chose my life. you gave me a reason to keep going. more than that, you kept going with me.
you gave me shelter in the warmth of your heart. you gave me love in its truest forms. you gave me life anew
you gave me you
photo cred: IG @krunchymamacrafts