restless.

restless is the heart, so lonesome, it aches

with a longing so intense it’s hard to bear

piece by piece, until it finally breaks

and I wonder, if you knew, would you care?

*

*

restless are the endless nights that I lay

staring at the empty space where you slept

wishing for the warmth of your embrace

and the safe feeling I got as I dreamt

*

*

restless is the mind that wonders each night

how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to

my phone vibrates and I’m hoping it might

be you, missing me, the way I miss you

*

*

just as my eyes adjust, I read your name

my heart confirmed, because you feel the same

entry #6

dear depression diary,

sorry for my absence. I was honestly enjoying myself, uninterrupted.

this past weekend, one of my best friends and her (but really our, lol) son came to visit me and the little humans. before their arrival, I was wondering how I would get through the weekend with THREE little humans in my house. my two are a handful by themselves! needless to say, I was so happy to have them both here. the little humans danced their butts off the first night and taught all of us some new dance moves. my (not) boyfriend spent the weekend with us and served as the punching bag for three and a half days, he’s such a good sport.

we took the little humans on the train and spent most our first afternoon together in Washington D.C. we toured some of the capitol buildings and then made our way to Good Stuff Eatery for a late lunch. when the little humans grew tired of the cold (and of us dragging them around the city), we headed home for a second dance party followed by bedtime stories. once the little humans were asleep, we had an adult movie night with some vino and laughs. The next 48 hours was spent with a gourmet brunch at home, a road trip to VA, hibachi and sushi with the little humans (they loved the fire and the water bottle that looked like a baby peeing on them), early morning cuddles, and one last lunch before I dropped her off at the airport.

I was so sad to see them go.

but we have made plans for the summer and I cannot wait to be reunited with them again. they are my forever family, and I love them always.

lesson of the day: enjoy the all the moments, and the people you get to share them with. family isn’t always blood, but it is forever.

timeless.

there are people that come into our lives for a moment. to teach us a lesson or to show us what we do/ (but most oftentimes) do not need to continue on our journey of growth.

and then there are those friendships that are timeless.

to say that I love her is an understatement. she puts her whole heart into people, even when they don’t deserve it. sometimes, I don’t even think I do. I can’t say that there haven’t been times when I was unfair to her, and I will always continue doing what I have to do to make up for those slights. but one thing I can say about her and I is that when we need one another, we are always there.

life for her hasn’t been easy. there were people who plotted her failure and found joy in her misfortunes. every time she takes a few steps forward, life finds a way of knocking her back again. but she doesn’t let that stop her. sure, there are times when she gets discouraged and contemplates giving up, but when it comes down to it — she is resilient. and that trait alone makes her admirable.

she loves my children like her own, and that says a lot, because she was never the mother-type. for that reason alone, I am proud of her. when she got pregnant with my godchild, I was scared she wouldn’t keep him. but who was I to tell her what to do with her body, it was her choice. the day she gave birth to him, I couldn’t have been happier. not because of the choice she made, but because I knew despite everything, she would raise an amazing little human. she hasn’t let me down yet. he is smart and kind and loves just as hard as she does. he calls my children his brother and sister and enjoys their company. and she has grown so much in the process, she amazes me more often than not.

I don’t know if there is anyone else I’d rather go through my motherhood journey with. she just gets me. when my kids drive me insane and just prove to be little assholes, she gets it. when they overcome an obstacle and I am the first person they want to share the news with, she gets it. when our kids attitudes are worse than our own, we talk and conclude that they are exactly like us. and honestly, I wouldn’t change anything about that dynamic.

over the last five years, we have irritated one another beyond words, held each other in our weakest moments, found the words to stand up to the bullies that made the other feel small and combined our strength to keep us both going.

at one point, she could’ve become a momentary person. but we found our way back to each other and haven’t strayed since. she is forever. she is everlasting. she is …

timeless.

transition.

you were the sun that lit the sky after the longest night

creeping in, you emitted the brightest rays of life and love

and the higher you rose, the more light that shone

until my entire world was immersed in your radiance

oh you, after so much trial and error

were the soil I needed to grow and bloom

my roots, on the verge of withering away

found comfort and strength in the depths of your bed

you healed me, prepared me for life

with you

after you

without you


photocred: IG @slowclapking (CAS)