restless.

restless is the heart, so lonesome, it aches

with a longing so intense it’s hard to bear

piece by piece, until it finally breaks

and I wonder, if you knew, would you care?

*

*

restless are the endless nights that I lay

staring at the empty space where you slept

wishing for the warmth of your embrace

and the safe feeling I got as I dreamt

*

*

restless is the mind that wonders each night

how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to

my phone vibrates and I’m hoping it might

be you, missing me, the way I miss you

*

*

just as my eyes adjust, I read your name

my heart confirmed, because you feel the same

lingerie.

Lingerie

the silky floral-patterned cloth you rip off of me

                then you let your fingers linger

 like the smell of your cologne

                fresh out of the shower

down on me like the rain during spring

                when the flowers blossom

into this person that comes alive

                whenever I’m with you

rest, assured.

your love language may be acts of service, but you are a man of words
how is it that I forgot to love you the way I love to be loved?
the way that you love me

you know deceit and betrayal as well as I do
maybe even on a deeper level 
I should have cared better for your heart, my apologies

there should have been no room for doubt
you are the greatest love I've ever known
let me remind you why

your hugs are still the safest I've felt with anyone
and that is how I will always feel 
and when you kiss me 

lips. cheek. nose. forehead. even from across the room
in those moments, I am still consumed with happiness 
so much so that even if they were the last I had with you

I would still be happy to have had them at all. 

these reasons, these feelings .. they happened as they should
we happened, just as we should
you were worth the wait. 

everything that you are
and have the potential to be
you are the best friend I never knew I needed

there should have been no room for doubt
you are the greatest love I've ever known
I will never let you forget the reasons why

weigh station

the day we met

we were just a boy and a girl
stranded at a weigh station
with baggage heavier than either of us could have known

we were just two people with weary hearts
low expectations, but hopeful all the same
for something better than we’d known before

we were so different but still the same
crippled trust from past relationships and the pain they caused
defenses built high behind the barricades

201 days later

we are just a boy and a girl
learning to open up and love again
figuring out how to be in it, without being dependent

we are just two people falling
in love with who we are together
and all the growth we’ve made thus far

we are so different but still the same
lacking communication and understanding in the most trying times
stubborn and stuck in our old ways

and still

we are just a boy and a girl
chipping away at each other’s walls
knocking down the barricades

we are still two people growing
by ourselves and as a unit
because we know who we want to be

we are so different but still the same
you and me
the beginning and the end at the weigh station

entry #12

dear depression diary,

nothing exciting to report, I just came here to say I have the most amazing (not) boyfriend.

so it’s getting close to nine o’clock here and I’ve already started three posts that I just can’t finish. not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I just could not get my thoughts together. so we’re sitting here, watching the sinner and I say out loud “ugh, I want to write today but I just can’t get a full post out”. and he says, “why don’t you write about how you’ve been treating me like shit today” as he laughs. and then I realize, this is exactly what I want to write about. ** not the treating him like shit part, because we actually had an amazing day, I just like to tease him a little.

I am in the happiest relationship I’ve been in since high school, I honestly can’t get enough of him.

I have a man who supports me through and through, but also calls me out on my bullshit. someone who challenges me, when I’m wrong and to be better. my triumphs are his triumphs and his are mine. when I feel like I’m failing he is the one who reminds me how amazing I am and how much I have done right. he encourages me to keep going and to try again even when I don’t think I have the strength left in me. even right now, as I’m sitting here experiencing writer’s block; he throws out ideas that spark an entire blog post. he fills my days with so much happiness and laughter that some days I forget I even suffer from depression/ depressive states. and what’s even better, is that on the days when my depression does hit, he’s right there – holding me, talking to me, letting me cry, cooking me food -making sure I know that I am never doing this alone. even when we disagree and argue, I know that I am loved and that we are still okay. we talk like adults, there’s no yelling or cussing or physicalities .. everything with him is just healthy and comfortable and real. at the end of the day, I know I have someone that will always do things with me, we will always be in each other’s corner.

even though I don’t need him, I want him and everything he is .. he only makes me better.

lesson of the day: enjoy the little things like playful banter that can turn into an entire story, because every moment is a story waiting to be told.

funny, little things.

I’m going to shower before I get in there with you and start getting comfy, he says as he rolls back in the desk chair and stands up. okay, I’m going to finish writing while you’re in there. wanna know something funny? she asks as he grabs his towel and reaches for the doorknob. if it’s not actually funny .. naw, I’m just kidding, what is it? he laughs before urging her to continue. you’re mean – she says with a smirk on her face – I’ll tell you when you come back, that way you have to come back. he smiles back at her as he closes the door and heads into the shower.

this is how rainy nights are meant to be spent

you ready to watch this movie? he asks as he climbs into bed beside her. whenever you are, she replies. come here, he says as he lays flat on his back. she grabs the remote and presses play before laying her head on his chest. with her right arm wrapped around him, she scoots in close and he holds her that much tighter throughout the entire film.

this is how rainy nights are meant to be spent.

you ready to get some sleep, he asks as he glances at his phone. 4:06am. holy shit, it’s 4 oclock. yeah, we should get some sleep while we can. the kids will be awake before we know it, she answers. and with that, he turns off the tv and she turns in to him. he kisses her forehead and she kisses his chest.

this is how rainy mornings are meant to be spent.

she sneaks out of his grasp and quietly goes to use the bathroom. you okay , he asks as she climbs back into bed. mhm, she moans softly as she reaches for the blanket to pull back over her body. gently turning onto his left side, he lays his arm across the pillow, inviting her to come back to the place she was before.

this is how rainy mornings are meant to be spent.

they both open their eyes as the first rays of morning light creeps through the window. both kids are still asleep and they can squeeze in a few more minutes of rest. still laying on his left side, he wraps both arms around her. goodnight, he whispers as he pulls her in close; goodmorning, she utters softly in return as she rests both hands on the arms that hold her. both of them, he concludes, and they share one light chuckle before succumbing to the slumber once more.

this is how rainy mornings are meant to be spent.

footsteps echo in the stairway outside the door, the little humans are awake. they’ve repositioned during their sleep but she’s still laying on his right arm and feels him tighten his embrace as he hugs her and plants the softest kiss atop her head. she glances up at him, his eyes still closed, and reciprocates the affection with a line of kisses across his chest. she looks at her watch, 10:49am, and they prepare to get the day started. he peeks through the blinds and sees the rain, oh yeah, it’s raining outside. this is going to be a ‘write all day’ kind of day. you wanna do that? work on the guardian book? she laughs, and he looks at her quizzically. wanna hear something funny? almost instantly, she regrets her words as he laughs and says, if it’s not actually funny .. I’m joking, I’m joking. what is it? she rolls her eyes and continues. last night after you asked me if I was ready to sleep and we agreed we should, you pulled me in close and closed your eyes. but I just knew you weren’t asleep yet so I asked if we could spend the day writing. you were quiet and that’s when I realized you had fallen asleep in those 2 seconds of silence. the look on his face let’s her know he’s about to say something that is meant to playfully annoy her. oh I wasn’t sleeping, I heard you — just kidding. laughter erupts between the two of them and they share one last kiss before pulling out their laptops.

this is how rainy days are meant to be spent.

entry #7

dear depression diary,

I am lucky.

and in the same breath, I feel the need to say, I am worthy. for so long, I have considered my baggage a burden. one so heavy, that I felt like I didn’t deserve to share that load with any else. for once in my life, I am happy to be wrong.

I have someone who comes with his own baggage. but we came together and found some luggage that carries both our loads in one. his is mine and mine is his; I have a partner. and I swear, y’all, that’s all I have ever wanted. someone who sees me for who I am and doesn’t try to change me. someone who doesn’t try to tell me who I am or, more importantly, who I am not. someone who has more patience with the little humans than I do on most days (I love them to death, but they are a handful. as I type this, both little humans are yelling “MOM!” in each ear #sendhelp – one wants gummies and the other wants pudding for dessert).

as much as I tease him about being my not boyfriend (we are taking things slow because this is our first relationship in a few years), he is still here; committed and present. when he’s away from me and the little humans, he calls us via Duo to check in. he asks about school activities, and homework, and the fun things they did that day. he is a writer, just like me, and my favorite nights are when we spend hours on the phone proofing our WIPs and working on other materials. a close second are the nights we spend together: him on one side of the bed reading books on the art of comics and me on the other side reading classic lit or blogging. he’s dorkier than I am, and despite the bumps we’ve hit in the road, I am certain that I won’t find anyone else like him. honestly, I wouldn’t want to.

if you had asked me 8 months ago if I thought I deserved this kind of happiness, I would have told you “it’s okay, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. as long as I have the little humans, I’m okay with that”. my friend’s would call me pessimistic and tell me that it was that negative attitude that was stopping me from finding someone special.

again, for once, I’m glad someone else was right.

lesson of the day: don’t succumb to negativity. when you surround yourself with it, that’s all you will ever know. be open to the possibilities, they are truly endless.

pov.

admiration like that of the first rays of sun as they shine over the horizon

tiger stripes and cellulite cover the parts I long to hide

yet your love is unwavering

no layers of makeup or a hot mom bod

a wardrobe of mostly sweatpants and baggy tees

yet eyes are set on me as if I were a flower in bloom

the catepillar

wriggling her way out of the caccoon

of self-doubt and self-hate and self-blame

all the damning traits I allowed myself to fall victim to

still you stay

waiting and patient

pushing me to think better, to be better

to speak positivity into my life

and to see myself as you do

wild and fierce and beautifully molded

into the person I am meant to be

and still becoming


photo cred: IG @slowclapking (CAS)

excerpt #2

His fingers traced my spine, gentle and slow, as he continued to whisper lyrics in my ear. His breath, warm on my skin, stirred something inside me, I felt my body grow hot and I couldn’t think of anything or anyone I wanted in that moment more than him. He made a line of kisses from the tip of ear down to the base of my neck, then my chin, and finally his lips were on mine. I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around his neck, and he wrapped his around my waist. I was titillated with desire, and I could tell from the way he caressed my body that he felt the same. We stayed like this, in suspended time where the minutes passed like seconds, until my phone buzzed in my pocket. It was a text from my mom.

lovestoned.

love with you is like my favorite record in slowed time

your hands caress my body

memorizing every inch of me like beautiful lyrics

warm sensations as your fingers pay close attention to your favorite parts of me

our bodies move in rhythm like my favorite song

no skips or scratches, we are in perfect condition

you turn up the bass and I feel you deep inside me

eyes closed, my hums and moans provide the background vocals

you flip me over to side B and the beat makes my body tremble

every note resonates through the fibers of my being

hands around my waist, thumbs laid perfectly in the dimples on my back

you pull me back into you

my singing gets louder as we reach the crescendo

fin

deep sighs, slow descent

me onto you , you into me.